Catch-22
Like many people my age, (mid 40's), I have been around the block a time or two, if you catch my drift. I have been married and divorced twice, and I have had one other relationship that I would consider serious, that took place between the two marriages. Of course, I've had my share of dates, and a few "less serious" relationships. I vowed long ago not to dwell in the past, or hold grudges, and that attitude has assisted me in remaining on cordial terms with virtually all of my "exes".
This sounds good, and, for the most part, it is, but I recently realized that it could also be problematic. When dating someone new, inevitably the subject of exes will come up. I loathe going into too much detail, so I offer some oversimplified explanation of why the relationship didn't work out, and then (hopefully) move on to a different topic. Yet, by doing this, I fear I may be giving the impression that I am just some fickle female who one day capriciously decided that I was bored with my current mate, and sought out to find a replacement. Fact is, life and relationships are never that simple....
With regard to husband #1, I may be able to get away with the excuse that I was young and inexperienced. After my first divorce, I went into counseling to try to work through why I had stayed with a verbally abusive alcoholic for 17 years. Self-esteem? I had none. During the next few years, I kept busy with two young daughters, a full-time job, and part-time school. Still, I wasn't on an "even keel" emotionally. I eventually blamed this on hormones.....
When I met husband #2, I was taking birth control pills, and was suffering from what I realized later was full-blown depression, along with persistent digestive illness that drained my body of energy and nutrition. I was going through tests to see why I was so frequently sick, and I was miserable. Believe me, I did much more crying than laughing at that time in my life. I know now that my poor physical and emotional health clouded my decision-making ability. I repeatedly looked the other way at indicators of my incompatibilty with #2, and I agreed to marry him because I felt like shit and at least he seemed willing to put up with me. Not long after we wed, I went to a different gynecologist who suggested I try going off of the "pill". I had myself convinced that I needed to take hormones, and that disaster would ensue if I went off of them, but I reluctantly agreed. Amazingly, my mood started to lift, and it was only in hindsight that I realized that the hormones I thought were helping, were actually the predominent cause of my depressed state. Then, I found through trial and error that I have a sensitivity to a certain common food, and if I avoid it, no more pain and suffering. I gradually started to feel better physically and emotionally, which only made what was lacking in my marriage much more obvious. How ironic is it that the better I felt, the more glaringly apparent our incompatibility became? However, I had made a commitment, and I was prepared to honor it. Besides, what kind of loser has TWO failed marriages? I suggested counseling, to which he replied "I've done nothing wrong, but I'm willing to go with you if you want." I countered that if he were to go into counseling with the attitude that I had sole ownership of our problems, it was unlikely to benefit either of us. Characteristically, during any discussion of our relationship, he would list all of my faults that I needed to fix before we could be happy, but was unwilling to admit to any shortcomings of his own. Eventually, we both just stopped trying.
My daughters never had a good rapport with #2, who insisted that that was because they could never accept any man that was not their father. This is his reality, and I won't attempt to shatter it. The fact is, my daughters have liked, to varying degrees, every man I've dated prior to, and after, #2. My older daughter, after recently meeting the man I am currently dating, said "now THERE'S the kind of guy you should have found a long time ago!"
Now, I'm feeling good, and trying my damndest to make wise choices and put the past behind me, without forgetting the lessons I learned. So, there's the catch... tell all and risk being misunderstood. Or, say little and risk being misunderstood, just in a different way.....
Like many people my age, (mid 40's), I have been around the block a time or two, if you catch my drift. I have been married and divorced twice, and I have had one other relationship that I would consider serious, that took place between the two marriages. Of course, I've had my share of dates, and a few "less serious" relationships. I vowed long ago not to dwell in the past, or hold grudges, and that attitude has assisted me in remaining on cordial terms with virtually all of my "exes".
This sounds good, and, for the most part, it is, but I recently realized that it could also be problematic. When dating someone new, inevitably the subject of exes will come up. I loathe going into too much detail, so I offer some oversimplified explanation of why the relationship didn't work out, and then (hopefully) move on to a different topic. Yet, by doing this, I fear I may be giving the impression that I am just some fickle female who one day capriciously decided that I was bored with my current mate, and sought out to find a replacement. Fact is, life and relationships are never that simple....
With regard to husband #1, I may be able to get away with the excuse that I was young and inexperienced. After my first divorce, I went into counseling to try to work through why I had stayed with a verbally abusive alcoholic for 17 years. Self-esteem? I had none. During the next few years, I kept busy with two young daughters, a full-time job, and part-time school. Still, I wasn't on an "even keel" emotionally. I eventually blamed this on hormones.....
When I met husband #2, I was taking birth control pills, and was suffering from what I realized later was full-blown depression, along with persistent digestive illness that drained my body of energy and nutrition. I was going through tests to see why I was so frequently sick, and I was miserable. Believe me, I did much more crying than laughing at that time in my life. I know now that my poor physical and emotional health clouded my decision-making ability. I repeatedly looked the other way at indicators of my incompatibilty with #2, and I agreed to marry him because I felt like shit and at least he seemed willing to put up with me. Not long after we wed, I went to a different gynecologist who suggested I try going off of the "pill". I had myself convinced that I needed to take hormones, and that disaster would ensue if I went off of them, but I reluctantly agreed. Amazingly, my mood started to lift, and it was only in hindsight that I realized that the hormones I thought were helping, were actually the predominent cause of my depressed state. Then, I found through trial and error that I have a sensitivity to a certain common food, and if I avoid it, no more pain and suffering. I gradually started to feel better physically and emotionally, which only made what was lacking in my marriage much more obvious. How ironic is it that the better I felt, the more glaringly apparent our incompatibility became? However, I had made a commitment, and I was prepared to honor it. Besides, what kind of loser has TWO failed marriages? I suggested counseling, to which he replied "I've done nothing wrong, but I'm willing to go with you if you want." I countered that if he were to go into counseling with the attitude that I had sole ownership of our problems, it was unlikely to benefit either of us. Characteristically, during any discussion of our relationship, he would list all of my faults that I needed to fix before we could be happy, but was unwilling to admit to any shortcomings of his own. Eventually, we both just stopped trying.
My daughters never had a good rapport with #2, who insisted that that was because they could never accept any man that was not their father. This is his reality, and I won't attempt to shatter it. The fact is, my daughters have liked, to varying degrees, every man I've dated prior to, and after, #2. My older daughter, after recently meeting the man I am currently dating, said "now THERE'S the kind of guy you should have found a long time ago!"
Now, I'm feeling good, and trying my damndest to make wise choices and put the past behind me, without forgetting the lessons I learned. So, there's the catch... tell all and risk being misunderstood. Or, say little and risk being misunderstood, just in a different way.....
posted by SLgrl at 9:09 AM
1 Comments:
Your daughter sounds like an excellent judge of character ... ;^)and yes, it is very easy to give 'pat' answers about our past. I think I do that, too sometimes. Although I frequently go in the opposite direction, and offer waaaayyyy Too Much Information ...
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